I’ll use this platform to provide weekly updates, matchup previews, but mainly to mock you idiots. You guys will surely make my job as commissioner easy, as my one and only duty as commissioner is to laugh hysterically at your terrible roster moves, then write about said laughter. With that being said, here’s a recap of the inaugural Make Football Great Again Auction Draft.
DANGER ZONE – Mitchell Richardson
BEST PICK: Matt Prater – $1
WORST PICK: Travis Kelce – $13
Mitchell obviously hates the Broncos. He loaded up on AFC Division rivals, as he drafted two Chiefs and two Raiders. Two fucking Raiders. Amari Cooper is a decent pick, as he was the second best rookie wide receiver last year, behind only Jordan Taylor. No idea who Latavius Murray is, but he sounds like he’s going to beat his girlfriend. Charcandrick West was released by the Chiefs during final roster cuts, or at least he should have been. Travis Kelce is white. Mitchell tried to make up for these inexcusable picks by picking Bennie Fowler for a buck. But the true steal of the draft for Danger Zone was Matt Prater, who will have a monster year, as long as he’s sober enough to tell which set of uprights he’s supposed to be aiming at.
TEAM MARQUEZ – Tyndan Marquez
BEST PICK: Dak Prescott – $1
WORST PICK: Eric Decker – $11
Being the emphatic Bernie Sanders supporter that he is, Tyndan decided to really spread the money around. He spent a league low on his highest-cost player, Mark Ingram for $36, and had 3 players that he spent a buck on (compared to MC’s 13 players for a buck). He spent a whopping $27 on Matt Forte, who’s still battling the NFL in an effort to be allowed to play this season with his walker. Tyndan also made the mistake of drafting a white skill position player, in Eric Decker for $11. Team Marquez will be looking for Dak Prescott to lead them to the promise land. Needless to say, the outlook looks grim.
TEAM WORSE THOMPSON – Trevor Thompson
BEST PICK: David Johnson – $43
WORST PICK: Stephen Gostkowski – $4
Trevor cheated, using Rod for advice during the draft. Luckily for the rest of the league, that’s the equivalent of Hellen Keller using Laura Bridgman for advice. The two tards combined to make one decent pick in David Johnson, but they also combined to make 16 terrible picks. Russell Wilson likes guys. Julian Edelman is white. Dez Bryant beats chicks. Danny Woodhead is white. Brock the cock got kicked to the curb for Mark Sanchez. Coby Fleener is white. $4 for a kicker? Lolz! Good luck, bro.
TEAM MAY – Kyle May
BEST PICK: Ameer Abdullah – $3
WORST PICK: Phillip Rivers – $10
Kyle gets the award for most creative team name. Team May loves his running backs, as he spent $102 on his starting backfield. He was able to find some values at wide receiver, and by values, I mean “players that suck.” Lil’ Bitch Rivers will get to throw the ball a ton this year, since they’ll be getting smoked in every game, so that actually looks like a decent pick. That is until Week 6 when Von crushes that crybaby and knocks him out for the year. Luckily, Kyle picked the best running back in the league, Ameer Abdullah, and the Lions don’t have any defenses on their schedule as stout as McNeese State.
80% MENTAL, 40% PHYSICAL – Traegon Marquez
BEST PICK: Trevor Siemian – $5
WORST PICK: Broncos DST – $44
The good news is Traegon spent $67 on 4 players from the defending Super Bowl Champs. The bad news is that $44 were spent on our defense. It’s a bold move, Cotton, and not a chance that it’ll pay off. Traegon got Darren McFadden for $4, a solid price for a third string RB on the IR list. Trevor Siemian is a lock to throw for 5,000 yards and 40 TD’s, but other than that, Traegon’s roster looks terrible at best. 80% Mental, 40% Physical has roughly 0% chance of making the playoffs.
BEATS BY RAY – KOLE GRAY
BEST PICK: C.J. Anderson – $32
WORST PICK: Tom Brady – $23
I have never met Kole, but I learned one thing about him during this draft: he sucks at drafting a fantasy football team. There wasn’t a single good pick on his team, so I just chose C.J. since he’s a Bronco, but no chance he’ll live up to his $32 price tag. Fortunately for Kole, come week 5, he has two stud quarterbacks. I guess the rest of us didn’t realize this is a two QB league… I would expand on the rest of Beats By Ray’s roster, except I’ve never heard of any of the other players. Gonna be a long season for Kole.
TEAM TRAHERN – Cooper Trahern
BEST PICK: Sterling Shepard – $2
WORST PICK: Blake Bortles – $12
I’ve sat and analyzed Cooper’s roster over and over, and could only come to one conclusion: Cooper had to be high as shit during the draft. He drafted Blake Bortles, who is set to throw 50 picks this year, and then he proceeded to draft the defense that Bortles faces in week 1. Dorial Green-Beckham couldn’t crack the Titan’s roster, so thus rostering him on a fantasy squad makes a ton of sense. Frank Gore retired like 6 years ago. Team Trahern opted not to draft a backup QB, TE, or DST, but he did draft a backup kicker. The Sacred Seed dispensary must have had some killer deals over Labor Day Weekend, and none of us are mad about it. Thank you, Cooper, for throwing in the towel before the season began.
I EAT ASS – Joe Lee
BEST PICK: N/A
WORST PICK: All of them
Joe Eats Ass. I really could leave the roster analysis right there. This has got to be the worst fantasy football roster ever assembled. Joe spent $66 on Cam…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. WTF? His second pick, Larry Fitzgerald for $34, is not much better. After he went on his spending spree, there was still a slew of backup running backs left that Joe was able to scoop up. Bilal Powell, DeAndre Washington, Alfred Morris, and Shaun Draughn. Combined, that group should have a solid 20 fantasy points…all season. At least you locked up last place, Joe. And it surprises no one that you eat ass.
TEAM GRIFFIN – M.C. Griffin
BEST PICK: Antonio Brown, Odell Beckham, and Todd Gurley
WORST PICK: Everyone besides Antonio Brown, Odell Beckham, and Todd Gurley
At first glance, M.C. killed this draft. He bid early and often to get 3 of the top 4 players on the board. That left him with a whopping 19 dollars left to fill 14 spots, and that’s when it all came back to Earth. McArthur (LOL) will feature Markus Wheaton, Jason Witten, and Jeremy Langford in his starting lineup Week 1 (LMAO). His bench features Pop Warner All-Pro’s Kenny Britt, Charles Clay, Anquan Boldin, and Terrelle Pryor (HEHE). My bold prediction for Team Griffin is he will be the first team to have the three highest scoring players in the league…and still go 0-13. I know, I know, not a very bold prediction. My God.
TEAM JIZZ – Jesse McConnell
BEST PICK: Rob Gronkowski – $46
WORST PICK: Jonathan Stewart – $29
Jizz started the auction off strong by grabbing Gronk early. This video is enough to justify that pick. Hopkins was a decent pick, except he has Brock the Cock throwing to him. After that, it was all downhill. Jonathan Stewart and Pierre Garcon were great picks…in 2008. Andy Dalton has red hair. I’m pretty sure Derek Carr was terrible when he was with the Texans like 14 years ago, so I don’t know why Jesse thought he’d be any better now with the Raiders. The three quarterback approach is a solid strategy, especially when you draft three mediocre ones. Team Jizz is in for a long, hard season.
TEAM GEORGE – Quaid George
BEST PICK: Marqise Lee – $6
WORST PICK: All of them
Quaid made some terrible picks, that’s for sure. But possibly the worst pick in the entire draft was Marqise Lee for 6 bucks. Here are Marqise Lee’s stats from last season: 15 receptions for 191 yards and 1 TD. If he replicates those stats, he’s a steal for $6. And since he’s listed 4th on the Jaguars depth chart to start the season, I don’t see why he can’t put up those same monster numbers. According to Marqise Lee’s Wikipedia page, he tried to join a gang in the LA area when he was younger. He also learned sign language at a young age to communicate with his deaf parents. Awesome pick Quaid, awesome pick.
THE ICEBOX – The Commish
BEST PICK: Impossible to narrow it down to just one
WORST PICK: None
Luckily for you imbeciles, there was one person in this league that didn’t screw up the draft. Le’Veon Bell and Josh Gordon, who are guaranteed to play zero games this year because my bois loves weed, are as close to a sure thing as you can get. Matt Jones, the epitome of durability, is a monster. Drew Brees is a spry 38 years young. Keenan Allen survived a lacerated kidney last year, so he’s superhuman. What is all comes down to is none of you stand a chance this year. Not with Danny O’Shea giving this motivational speech to my players every week. ONE TIME! The Icebox is ready to pummel all you little Cowboys.
And that wraps up the draft recap. Just a few more notes on the league.
Instead of a traditional waiver wire, we have a Free Agent Acquisition Budget (FAAB) system for free agents. Some of you have already figured this out ($15 is a hell of a price for Alex Smith, Traegon). You start with $100 for the season, and can bid each week on any players you want. The team with the highest bid when the priority period closes wins that free agent. After the free agent period closes (on Thursday mornings I believe), you do not have to bid any money to get the remaining players that are no longer on waivers. I did this so that it doesn’t reward teams in last place by handing them stud free agents, and thus puts everyone on a level playing field. Once you run out of your $100, you’ll no longer be able to bid on free agents, and will have to wait until the waiver period closes before you can adjust your rosters. Here’s an article that outlines how the system works. If anyone has any questions about this, let me know and I can further explain it.
The payout structure will be as follows:
1st Place: $225
2nd Place: $50
3rd Place: $25
As far as additional prizes (trophies, etc.) or punishments, we have none in place. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions that they’d like to implement, let me know and I’ll get the league’s input. Good luck potlickers, you’ll need it.